A return to truth and honesty

In this day and age it is difficult to recognize just how many ways there are to lie. From the tiny white lie to avoid an uncomfortable interaction with a friend or the massive life defining lies about our personality, our beliefs, our sense of purpose.

I tell myself at times a version of reality which would suit my preference, rather then the truth of my reality as it is. I do this often without even knowing or recognizing that I am choosing lies over reality and cheating myself of the opportunity to improve my often dysfunctional personality, relationships, and spiritual life. Life is complicated enough of as it is, lying and self-delusion thrown in the mix and I create a disaster for myself.

I am beginning to understand the consequences of even the smallest lies or untruths, and I am terrified at the prevalence of these habits in our culture today, and how that is affecting us.

The Vaishnava principle of truth sits as one of the key elements of reality and a properly realized individual, yet we still see such a misrepresentation of this in our society. The reason being we fear ridicule, exclusion, and disconnection from our community. However, I would offer the perspective that inclusion into a community that would prefer you to lie then be honest is a highly dangerous and soul killing choice that has cost many current Vaishnavas a lot of trauma, heartache, abuse, self-abuse, myself included.

I made promises to my Initiating Guru, community, and spiritual lineage that I did not realize at the young age of 19 that would be difficult if not impossible to seamlessly keep. The vows of  spiritual initiation as that I naively took in the enthusiasm of spiritual discovery and the desire to be allowed into the inner circle of spiritual practice have had a profoundly negative consequence on  my well-being and sense of belonging, self-worth, and ability to live in truth, when I, for various spiritual, psychological, and circumstantial reasons decided that I could not continue to maintain them. 

I couldn't hold down a full time youth work job, with rotating rosters, and constant emotional trauma, maintain my promise to chant 16 rounds everyday. I was simply too exhausted, often depressed by the reality of suffering the youth I worked with endured, and the resistance to real change the organisations I worked for were plagued with. 

As a consequence of the deep emotional turmoil, anxiety, trauma, insomnia, and depression I went through I researched and learned of the value of certain Psychedelics called entheogens and their place in spiritual traditions both western and eastern, and I decided to utilize these "intoxicants" as a method of healing and psychological repair. They worked, very well and also had a tremendous impact on my understanding of the philosophy of "Krishna consciousness" and "Self-realization". 

I owe a great deal of gratitude to these plant teachers as I believe they have rescued me from almost certain ruin and depression that made my life insufferable.

I do not at all regret these choices, although I wish I had not dropped my rounds as it has been a difficulty to return to the discipline to daily japa(Mantra meditation), a practice that I maintain roughly but not as effectively as before. What I regret is living a shattered reality, where I feel I was lying to my lineage and community in some way. Choosing to keep appearances rather then talk through my experiences and choices rationally. I thought about sitting down and talking through my circumstances but always felt too afraid that the benefit I had received would not be appreciated at all and I would simply be told to change my ways or leave. I have as a result of this been in the process of a deep internal struggle that I wish to end, by telling my truth.

I can no longer stand that fracture of truth in my life.  I choose to write in such a way so that no one reading my writing will have the wrong idea about me and assume anything about me based on my upbringing as an "Isckon" vaishnava.  My interest in writing about these philosophical concepts and practices are rooted purely in the attempt to share ideas which I believe helped me properly regain a healthy orientation in life and a model from which to understand the many deep and life changing experiences I had as a result of my curiosity and the exploration of my being with the aid of the sacred plant medicines, an idea that I am sure will be ridiculed, I am OK with that. Come what may.

I choose a truth I fully believe in rather than a lie everyone else agrees on.
Entheogenic plant medicines are highly misunderstood and abused in the world today, but their value can only be understood by  proper  and safe exploration and use. I continue my exploration of the benefits these plants hold for us and will do so in honesty, rather than secrecy.

Jai Nitai, my only true refuge.